Instead of shelling out $10 to see the new Martin Lawrence movie Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, we at Fresh Idears made the mistake of picking up a bootleg DVD on the street called Big Mommas Like Fathers & Sons (pictured above).
Small difference in grammar. BIG difference in everything else.
Now excuse us while we watch it again. Alone. With the lights dimmed.
Ed. Note - Each week we will publish a thinkpiece from one of our many FIGCs (Fresh Idears Global Correspondents). This week Nate “The Grate” Parmesan chimes in on a terrifying moment in our history.
I cried last night.
These were not silent tears brought on by loneliness. I had those on Valentine’s Day. No, these were the tears of a man who has seen the end of the world and knows there is nothing he can do about it. These were the tears of a man who has seen a world dominated by a certain cold-blooded evil that civilization has not yet seen. These big, giant, bulbous tears (and a considerable amount of mucous) were bought on by watching of all things - Jeopardy.
In case you live under a rock, last night, Watson, the new IBM Computer designed specifically for the purpose of playing Jeopardy destroyed Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter by over $50K in a three-day tournament. Watson won a million dollars for his efforts.
While the IBM suits, who filled the audience, practically dirty-danced in their seats with glee - I began digging my bomb shelter. Now that The Machines own us in the quiz show realm there is no telling what is going to happen next.
Get your seeds and gold bullion together and run for the hills. This is it.
This week marks Fall Fashion Week in NY, and we are still in the middle of February. Everyone knows that you don’t need to be Michael Kors or Marc Jacobs to make big money in the fashion world. You can earn it the old fashioned way.
So, here’s what we propose. Get to Las Vegas immediately and place large but complicated bets on your favorite designers -or- bet against a variety of runway models. You stand to alter the stakes in your favor and make Madoff type money.
Dear Optimus Prime Minister Silvio,
We believe you. You didn’t have sex with an under age prostitute.
But if you did, here’s a thoughtful reminder; jerking off is only illegal in the eyes of the Pope.
Try it the next time you’re about to call a 16-year-old puttana.
(And we don’t care how big you say you are.)
Lovingly,
-Fresh Idears
Now that it’s February 15th, you can go back to openly fantasizing about other women and not pretend that you weren’t thinking about Brooklyn Decker while you were noshing on overcooked lobsters and dry chocolate cake with your lady-friend on Valentine’s Day last night.
Valentine’s Day was yesterday, but don’t let all that half-price candy at your local Duane Reade go to waste. Buy and use it for a spiritual and physical cleanse!
Cleanse recipe*:
- 6 lbs of Valentine’s Candy (must all say “Be Mine”)
- 3 bottles of room-temperature Champale
- 1 box of Assorted Russell Stover Chocolates melted
- 2 cups of crushed red pepper
In a large pink bowl, combine these ingredients together. Over the next 36 hours, stay close to a bathroom and do not consume anything but this cleanse concoction. If you plan on making love — whether to another person or yourself — wear a diaper.
*This is nowhere near anything resembling a medically approved or endorsed anything.
Physically challenge your lover to an obstacle intercourse.
Break any tie with a bonus boner round.
Try some sexy Roll Play this Valentine’s Day with Martin’s potato rolls.
Don’t you dare try cinnamon or Kaiser rolls. It’s just not the same.
Absolutely no substitutions!
A real explosive Idear:
Traipse on down to the nearest Chinatown and purchase a few roman candles, several boxes of bangsnaps, some ladyfingers and magic snakes. Bring them home to your lover. If the names of these gems do not result in immediate nudity just grab a lighter and set the night on fire. Literally.
If you start on this ASAP, you should have it done by your Valentine’s date tonight.
Go to your local chocolatier and make a life-size mold of yourself out of semi-sweet chocolate. Be sure to get it anatomically correct…no exaggerations!
Talk about oral pleasure!
Dear Mr. President Lincoln,
In addition to being one of the top 50 U.S. presidents of all-time, it has also come to our attention that you were also a great inventor. You discovered electricity, the anti-slavery kit, and also the crumbcake. On this anniversary of your birth, we want to honor you with a special invention of our own that we think you’d love if you weren’t so dead.
Simply stated. We call it, The Swiss Army Top Hat.
It’s the same iconic top hat that you love and wore so often, but ours has secret compartments for stuff like chapstick, a parakeet, and the dead sea scrolls. In addition, we are considering a windshield wiper for your face.
If we weren’t so swamped right now we’d draft something up and send it to Taiwan to be prototyped. However, since your birthday falls on a Saturday, we decided to skip that step and go to Epcot Center instead.
Anyway Abes, you were the best. Or at least one of the best. You make using pennies slightly less humiliating.
We anxiously await your response.
FI
Dear President Mubarak,
You’ve done an incredible job so far attempting to quell the resistance but your time has come and we fear for your safety. Once you step down, head immediately into the desert and locate the Stargate. You can’t miss it. It’s the glowing blue interstellar transport device right next to the Sphynx hovering above that giant triangle thingy. While Obama and the rest of the world scurry to clean up your mess, you’ll get to hang with Hollywood hunk Kurt Russell hurtling through space and eating astronaut ice cream while battling Ra.
From,
Your not-so-secret admirers Fresh Idears
Product review by Kendrick Singleton, Senior Inventor
Pros: Impress your friends and family with your cat’s new found habit of going to the bathroom, in the bathroom. Save time and money cleaning unwanted kitty litter boxes.
Cons: None.
Target Audience: Anyone with a cat or has visiting cats in their homes.
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I was flying home alone this past weekend from an inventor’s conference on the Fresh Idears Dreamliner plane and came across the Litter Kwitter. One of my favorite things about flying on our private plan is having access to the SkyMall catalog. If there’s one thing we love more than the Skymall catalog, it’s cats.
Let me begin by saying this is a really awesome product because this one actually appeared in “Meet the Fockers”, starring Mickey Rourke and Kerry Pleasington.
This product is the brainchild of Rick and Ludwig Skymall (aka “The Skymall Brothers”) and really showcases American ingenuity and the production craft of the Taiwanese people.
This system is easy to set up. All you need is a toilet and a cat. This video shows you pretty much everything you need to get started.
